This post describes a physical and mental exercise for parents and children, called “looking hands” to enhance independent thinking and problem solving.
- Put your hands behind your back.
- Why is it useful to keep our hands to ourselves?
- Try This Today: 3 ways to try “looking hands” in your home today
- Takeaway
Put your hands behind your back.
When my daughter was a toddler, she was eager to explore her surroundings. Everything was new and exciting and she wanted to touch, feel, smell, and taste it all. While this is developmentally appropriate and I wanted to encourage exploration—there are some things that just are not safe for a toddler to explore (i.e. breakable objects like glass, sharp knives, etc.) For those items I would say “Use your looking hands” and she would put her hands behind her back and focus on exploring with her other senses. We would talk about whatever the object was, describe it, and explore it without physically touching it.
I honestly trained my children to use looking hands because I needed them to keep their hands to themselves. It was for their safety, yes, but also for my productivity and efficiency. If I could do something myself without interference, it would be done more quickly and correctly with less mess.
I began to learn that while there may be less mess when I take over, there is less learning happening, too.
While teaching nursing clinical students in a neuro ICU, I was observing a student prepare a medication and saw her fumbling. I reached over to help but she politely and firmly said “I’ve got it, Dr. Mumbower.” She was right! She NEEDED to fumble and try again so that she could learn and have the muscle memory to perform the skill next time. She needed me to observe and coach, not take over and micromanage.
I did not expect looking hands to be something that would help me as the adult. I realized that I needed to put my hands behind my back, too. I need to use “looking hands.”
I began putting my hands behind my back into looking hands position whenever I was observing a student so that I could give myself time to observe and think before interrupting their concentration or necessary fumbling. When students were new or needed more hands on help, I would simply say “I’m here when you need me.” And when students were competent and clearly ready to perform, I would say “I’m just here as backup. You’ve got this.”
My student’s polite and respectful comment led me to consider what I appreciated most about the many “coaches” or instructors I had over the years. The ones I felt the most discouraged by were the ones who micromanaged or rushed me or “took over for me” because I was trying to figure things out or pause and check over my work. The ones I appreciated the most were the ones who assessed my ability and then stepped back and let me practice. They gave feedback and let me try again.
Looking hands is now part of my parenting, not just part of my clinical teaching. I use looking hands when I am tempted to rush my toddler through putting his shoes on, or when I am tempted to interrupt my daughter’s question of curiosity about a new book and tell her the answer for the sake of expedience. Looking hands is a physical reminder to put myself in the position of a coach, and to act accordingly.
Why is it useful to keep our hands to ourselves?
When we use our “looking hands” with our children, and learn the art of when to step away and say “You’ve got this,” we build their self efficacy. Self efficacy is a person’s belief in their competence to execute a specific behavior or achieve a particular goal. Self-efficacy is not self-esteem (a general regard a person has for themselves) nor a general attribute of confidence. It is gained by doing a skill over and over, again and again.
Using your “looking hands”–putting your hands behind your back–when your child is trying an activity can be a low cost and high impact way of helping them learn to think and practice on their own. Yes, they will make a mess. Yes, it will take longer than if you do it for them. But the goal isn’t perfection. The goal is independent practice.
Here are 3 ways to try “looking hands” in your home today:
- While teaching or training
- After modeling how to perform a task, give your child a turn and use your “looking hands” while they work. Do not interfere unless they ask for help and try verbally coaching instead of physically interfering with their practice. Show your child how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then step back and let them try on their own.
- While playing
- When working with a puzzle or toy, avoid the impulse to show them the solution and use your “looking hands.” Allow them to try different pieces and problem solve. If they ask for help, try verbal coaching toward the next step rather than completing the task for them.
- While talking
- With an older child or teenager who faces a conceptual problem (like a breakup or friend drama) and not a physical problem, use the idea of parent “looking hands” and try not to jump in and “fix” the problem. Empathize and then talk with them through potential next steps toward a solution. You can physically place your hands behind your back in the “looking hands” position to help you remember that you are coaching, not doing things for them.
TAKEAWAY
Taking over for our children doesn’t allow them the freedom to think, fail, and try again. While letting our children think through tasks or problems is more time consuming and potentially more messy, it’s critical to allow them to fumble and try. Put your hands behind your back. Conquer the urge to interfere or micromanage. Coach them–don’t complete it for them. Learn the art of when to step away and say “You’ve got this.” The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is independent practice.
