Watching our children is often like looking in a mirror and seeing our own words and actions reflected back to us.

Have you ever said something around little listening ears and then cringed when you heard it repeated to a teacher or grandparent?

For better or worse (and sometimes hilarious), our children are watching and listening. Every action they watch and every word they hear is filed away in their little brains. Their brains are developmentally wired to absorb the information around them. 

As parents, we are the primary source of information on how to live. Our children take the information on how we live and use it to form mental frameworks and cognitive shortcuts. We see the outcomes in their words and actions–that often look like our own.

This post explains the concept of modeling: a high impact strategy for parents who want to positively shape a child’s values, thoughts, and ultimately behaviors.  

This post is also a reminder of the influence we carry in our homes. The goal of this post is to empower parents to 1) be aware of what we are modeling and 2) determine if our model is helping or hurting our efforts to build what we want to see in our children.

I hope that rather than feeling discouraged, that some reflective thinking on your current model of parenting leaves you empowered to make positive changes.

Contents:

1. Little Brains as Mirrors
2. What is a Model? See and Follow
3. Changing the Model
4. Try This
5. Takeaways

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Modeling: A Low Cost & High Impact Idea for Shaping Your Child’s Brain

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Little Brains as Mirrors

Little brains are mirrors. What they see, they reflect back in action or behavior. We see this in both neurobiological research and in psychology.

• Neurobiological learning
  • There is a system of special brain cells that helps us to learn from and act like those around us. This system is called the mirror neuron system and it helps the brain to mirror what we observe. Given the general familiarity with the phrase “monkey see, monkey do,” it’s interesting that mirror neuron systems were actually first discovered in monkeys in 1992. Since then, it has been extensively researched in humans.
  • Scientists now view “the mirror mechanism as a basic principle of brain function.”¹
  • Research of mirror neurons in humans shows that people often map an observed action in their brain’s motor systems. However, “the emotional context and the internal state of the observers (i.e. knowledge, motivation, emotion, etc.)” greatly shape the way that happens¹ 

• Psychological theory
  • There is an important theory called social learning theory, created by Albert Bandura, that has profoundly impacted views on cognitive development in both children and adults. Essentially, social learning theory hypothesizes that “new patterns of behavior are acquired through direct experience or by observing the behavior of others.” ²
  • Observational learning is one of the key ideas Bandura explored. Observational learning suggests that a child may encode the behavior of models around them. Context matters in observational learning, and the encoding of behavior is influenced by reinforcement (positive or negative; internal or external) and by consideration of whether or not we want to imitate what we observe.
  • The basic principle of this theory is that we often learn, encode, and act based on observations.

If brains are mirrors, what does this mean for us as parents? 

Your child’s brain needs something to mirror. The brain is looking for a MODEL. What is a model?

A model is: “A standard or example for imitation and comparison.” ³

A model is what our children see, imitate, and follow.

Learning from models in their environment is a cognitive shortcut for the learning process. The brain likes to conserve power by taking shortcuts. Instead of learning everything in life from direct experience, they can also learn from watching you navigate a challenge. This saves brain energy. They observe your experience, learn a response, and can use that data if they face a similar situation in the future.

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See and Follow

Your child will learn from models around them, no matter what. Their brains are seeing and following, by design.

Regardless if the modeling is passive or intentional…

children see and follow.

As a parent, you have an especially influential role in your child’s life. By simple proximity alone, doing life together in the same environment, you are molding your child’s brain.

As a parent you are a model. If a model is an example for imitation and comparison, then your behaviors are a standard they will compare themselves to and imitate. Your behaviors will help them formulate assumptions about your values, and they will often encode those as standards to live by.

The “See and Follow” wiring doesn’t often look like formal education. Children primarily learn through experiences within the environment of home and family life.  This is called informal education and it plays a valuable role in learning. In particular, watching and taking part in activities within the family are cornerstones in informal education⁴.  Much of what our children learn from occurs in the daily life and routines we repeatedly practice.

In the book Thrivers, educational researcher Dr. Michele Borba encourages parents to model 7 teachable traits that help children flourish in life, beyond just academic performance: “Be the example of what you want your child to learn.”⁵ She describes modeling as the best way to impart these essential thriving skills, because the “best lessons are always natural and included in daily lives…model, discuss, and prioritize them until your children adopt them as an indelible part of their makeup.”⁵

Charlotte Mason, a British educator and advocate for quality in childhood education, spoke of the impact of parent’s modeling: “Every day, every hour, parents are either passively or actively forming habits in their children upon which, more than upon anything else, future character and conduct depend.”⁶

What we model for our children goes beyond actions and habits, extending into mental health. Even anxiety is influenced by modeling and environment.

When parents model anxious behaviors or communicate anxious thoughts to their children, the children report higher anxiety levels, more anxious thoughts, and demonstrate avoidance behaviors⁷. “Numerous pathways and mechanisms” like genetics, environment, and personality contribute to transmission of anxiety from parent to child, and the parent model is one of those mechanisms. ⁸

On a positive note, when parents model gratitude, children express gratitude more frequently.⁹ When parents model healthy eating, children have higher quality diets.¹⁰ When parents model financial skills, children accumulate less debt and less problematic spending.¹¹

What our children see and hear from us, what we as parents model, is only one of the many factors that form child behavior, but it is a particularly influential one. Our children see and follow, or see and “soak up” as James Clear articulates in his book Atomic Habits: “We soak up the qualities and practices of those around us.”¹²

What are my children soaking up?

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Changing the Model

If kids see and follow, then we must change what they see…and the best way to change your child’s values or behavior is to change your own. 

Across different disciplines, researchers agree that changing the behavior of the parent influences the behavior of the child. Interventions for problems like childhood anxiety,¹³ mental health disparities,¹⁴ or even publicly funded early childhood intervention programs¹⁵  are not exclusively aiming at the children—they include interventions for the parents. That’s right–changing the model to potentially change the outcomes. Usually these interventions are education or training to provide the grownups in the child’s environment the information needed to help the child succeed. 

What we model will not guarantee a certain outcome. But what we model will absolutely influence the outcome.

Parents as Agents of Change 

Becoming aware of what we are modeling is the first step to changing our own behavior.

We become like the people we spend the most time with. For your children, that is often you, the parent. Do you want them to become more like you?

If they responded the way you did to a broken boundary, would they be proud? If your son spoke to a person in authority the way you do, would you be honored or ashamed?

 Maybe you’re thinking over the type of model you provide and you realize there are some areas where your children are thriving. Fantastic! Or, maybe right now you are thinking about areas in which you could shift your actions and change what your children see.

I want to clarify that the goal of modeling is not to be a perfect parent. Modeling perfection is not possible. That’s not demonstrating reality for our children because there are no perfect people and no perfect model.

I also don’t want you to feel overwhelmed or defeated by the sheer weight of your influence. I want to empower you to 1) be aware of what you are modeling and 2) determine if that is helping or hurting your efforts to build the character and behaviors you want to see in your family.

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Try This Today

1. Consider these questions
   • What are me kids soaking up from me?
   • Am I providing a living example of my own expectations? 
   • What have I copied from my own parents’ models?
2. Choose one thing
   • Pick one single thing you’d like to focus on today to provide a better model for your child(ren).
   • Picking more than one area to work on will lead to overwhelm, not forward movement.
   • Consider the area you have chosen to focus on. Is what you are modeling in that area helping or hurting your efforts in teaching your children?
     • Example: My 5 year old has been grumpy and irritated when I ask her to do something. I noticed that when I am interrupted in a household task, I huff and respond with an irritated tone and unkind face. She learned her response from me.
   • Write it down.
     • Write down exactly what you want to model for your child in that focus area.
       • Example: When my children interrupt me and I am in the middle of a task, I will either 1) remind them gently that I can help as soon as I’m finished with the task or 2) calmly and respectfully ask them what they need and then patiently and kindly meet that need.
3. Sometimes, getting help is one of the best models you can provide.
   • Seeking counseling for your own mental health struggles, confessing a bad attitude, or asking for forgiveness from a child you’ve hurt provides a realistic model of what it looks like to parent in this crazy world. It’s not realistic to model perfection. Yet, it is wise to acknowledge and model a desire for growth and healing. Sometimes, we need to get help.
   • In The Whole Brain Child, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson describe the incredible gift of parental growth: “As children develop, their brains “mirror” their parent’s brain. In other words, the parent’s own growth and development, or lack of those, impact the child’s brain. As parents become more aware and emotionally healthy, their children reap the reward and move toward health as well. That means that integrating and cultivating your own brain is one of the most loving and generous gifts you can give your children.”¹⁶

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Takeaways 

1. Be aware of what you are modeling.
2. Determine if your model is helping or hurting your efforts to build the character and behaviors you want to see in your family.
3. Be a living example of your own expectations.

All of this may sound like “pressure” on parents to be the perfect model. The impact of parents on our child’s brain may sound overwhelming and weighty. But it is also empowering! Parents are agents of change. This doesn’t mean that our children are little carbon copies that will do exactly as we do and say. Not at all! They still have unique personalities, temperaments, passions, and individualism. Yet, it is essential to acknowledge that children are highly influenced by what they see and hear from their parents and environment. Dr. Michele Borba summarizes this well: “…if we want our children to thrive, then we must alter our parenting. It starts by looking inward at ourselves, and then turning our lens to our children.”⁵

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References

1. Bonini, Rotunno, Arcuri, & Gallese. (2022). Mirror neurons 30 years later: implications and applications. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1364661322001346 

2. Bandura http://www.asecib.ase.ro/mps/Bandura_SocialLearningTheory.pdf

3. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/model

4. Murray (2021). Informal early childhood education: the influences of parents and home on young children’s learning. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/epub/10.1080/09669760.2021.1928966?needAccess=true

5. Borba (2021). Thrivers : the surprising reasons why some kids struggle and others shine. https://www.amazon.com/Thrivers-Surprising-Reasons-Struggle-Others/dp/0593085272

6. Mason (1925). A philosophy of education; Volume 6 https://www.amazon.com/Philosophy-Education-Home/dp/0648063372/

7. Burstein & Ginsburg (2010). The effect of parental modeling of anxious behaviors and cognitions in school-aged children: An experimental pilot study. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2871979/

8. Lebowitz, Leckman, Silverman, & Feldman (2016). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5007197/

9. Rothenberg et al. (2017). Grateful parents raising grateful children: Niche selection and the socialization of child gratitude. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10888691.2016.1175945

10. Couch et al. (2014). Home food environment in relation to children’s diet quality and weight status. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2212267214006005

11. Norvilitis & MacLean (2010) The role of parents in college students’ financial behaviors and attitudes. https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Michael_Maclean3/publication/46493592_The_Role_of_Parents_in_College_Students’_Financial_Behaviors_and_Attitudes/links/5a53c7060f7e9bbc10570a1d/The-Role-of-Parents-in-College-Students-Financial-Behaviors-and-Attitudes.pdf

12. Clear (2018). Atomic Habits. https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits

13. Elsevier. (2020, April 2). New treatment for childhood anxiety works by changing parent behavior. ScienceDaily. Retrieved January 25, 2023 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/04/200402110133.htm

14. Cobb (2022). Editorial perspective: Reducing mental health disparities among underserved youth: using technology to equip parents as agents of change. https://acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/jcpp.13703

15. Mahoney & Nam (2011). The Parenting Model of Developmental Intervention  https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Gerald-Mahoney/publication/271838887_The_Parenting_Model_of_Developmental_Intervention/links/5bc62ad9a6fdcc03c78936d5/The-Parenting-Model-of-Developmental-Intervention.pdf 

16. Siegel & Bryson (2022). The Whole Brain Child. https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing/dp/0553386697 

This post presents 3 important ways of thinking that are developed when our children experience appropriately challenging adventures.

1. Does protecting your child from risk keep them safe?
2. What kind of adventures?
3. 3 ways adventures change our thinking
4. What could this look like in real life?
5. Try this today
6. Takeaways

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Does Protecting Your Child From Risk Keep Them Safe?

“Avoiding harm is essential to survival” but “overcoming risks is necessary to build resilient brains¹” 

The words adventure and risk go together. It’s impossible to have a thorough conversation about how adventure changes our brains without acknowledging the elephant in the room: adventures carry inherent risk.  We have a parental responsibility (and innate desire) to protect our children from harm. For that reason, some parents may shy away from the idea of challenging our children. 

When thinking about taking your children to a new place or to try a new thing, you may have hesitations and “What ifs” that cloud your mind:

• What if my child is uncomfortable? 
• What if my child encounters a difficult problem? 
• What if my child gets emotionally or physically hurt?

I’m going to respond with a few questions of my own…

• WHEN (not if) your child experiences a difficult problem or uncomfortable situation, will he have confidence in his ability to navigate it successfully? 
• Will she fear failure or embrace challenges as potential learning opportunities? 
• Does your child know that he can do hard things? 

By appropriately challenging your children beyond their comfort zones, you are building their ability to thrive despite changing circumstances that they WILL inevitably face. Adventures encourage important types of thinking to help them navigate the stressful experiences they will undoubtedly encounter either in childhood, adolescence, or adulthood. “We tend to idealize childhood as a carefree time²” but children may encounter problems ranging from adapting to a new classroom to navigating their parents’ divorce. “Add to that the uncertainties that are part of growing up in a complex world, and childhood can be anything but carefree.²” 

The bottom line–if we overprotect, we leave no room for them to grow.

Our children need to know and believe they can do hard things–and they learn their own capacity to do hard things by…successfully doing hard things! 

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What kind of adventures?

Dr. Larry Brendtro defines adventure as “engaging in stressful activities with manageable risk.¹” He describes adventure on a continuum, just beyond play (fun and little stress or fear) but not reaching to the point of crisis (threat of physical or psychological harm). 

This is crucial–when I say that risk is good for our children’s brains, I am not saying we should put them in danger of major harm to their minds or bodies. I am suggesting that we choose appropriate challenges in supportive environments, with a supportive and engaged parent present.

When choosing an adventure for your family, think about what your children are currently capable of. You want to push them to try new things–which involves small amounts of stress that are manageable and even good—but you do not want to overwhelm them leading to high amounts of stress. Think Goldilocks here—not too much and not too little. Activities that provide just the right amount of challenge (good stress) can help our brains generate better recovery responses, retrieve memories from past experiences to apply to this situation, and generate new memories to add to their toolbox. 

Too little challenge? Not enough risk? Too much parent involvement? If the adventure isn’t stimulating, has no perceived usefulness, or doesn’t support autonomy, the brain will “downshift to lower order functioning.³” No risk, no gain. The brain isn’t going to spend energy on things it doesn’t perceive as important, useful, or interesting. 

Too much challenge? Too much risk? Not enough support? If the adventure is challenging beyond what the individual has the capacity to achieve, or if they feel that they do not have the support necessary to take appropriate risks, higher levels of stress will hinder ability to access parts of the brain that allow decision making and judgment. 

An adventure with your child can be as simple as a ride to a new grocery store, or as novel as a weekend camping trip. For your family it might look like a walk around the neighborhood or a short hike to a waterfall at your local state park. Personally, my first few trips to a local park with all three of my children, four years old and younger, felt like major excursions until I grew more comfortable.

An adventure is any opportunity to get your child out of their normal routine, respond to a new environment or situation, and build their adaptability. Adventures don’t have to be outside, but there are special benefits to outdoor environments.⁴

The “best” adventures³:

• Differ from our everyday normal (provide novelty)
• Offer just the right amount of challenge (not too easy or overwhelming)
• Provide opportunities for both failure and success
• Involve personal support and safety (you—the present, responsible adult)
• Engaging and perceived as useful for the child(ren)
• Provide open ended challenges and promote choice (autonomy and independent thinking)

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3 Ways Adventures Change Our Thinking

By providing adventures (challenges) for our children, we are helping them change their thinking in three different ways that will help them thrive throughout their lives: self efficacy, resilience, and reflection.

1. Self Efficacy
   • Self efficacy is a person’s belief in their competence to execute a specific behavior or achieve a particular goal⁵. 
   • Self efficacy is developed in a child who believes they have the capacity to achieve a goal. It provides an optimism and confidence, based on a personal assessment of skills and capacity, that intrinsically motivates a child to try something new.
   • While self efficacy may sound like self esteem, the two are not the same. Self-esteem is an overall regard a person has for themselves and more often associated with a general attribute of confidence. Self efficacy is a belief specific to a behavior or goal. 

2. Resilience
   • Resilience is successful adaptation (mental, emotional, or behavioral) to challenging experiences and internal or external demands.⁶
   • What happens in the brain? “…resilience may be explained by the brain’s innate capability to adapt its structure (growth of new cells) and function (re-wiring of existing cells) directly in response to environmental exposure.³”
   • Resilient thinking is when a child tells themselves that even if they don’t succeed or achieve a goal, they will be able to adapt and find a new way of thinking. Resilience helps the child to know what failure looks like, to learn from it, and apply their learning to the next problem they encounter. When they find mistakes to be learning opportunities, they can try new adventures without fear of failure. 
   • Adventures will not always go as planned. “The goal is not to eliminate emotional ups and downs in a child’s life, but to understand that these ups and downs are normal and can be dealt with.⁴”

3. Reflection
   • Reflection is thinking about an experience, evaluating it, and synthesizing the learning that occurred. Reflection is an important metacognitive skill (awareness of your own thinking) that leads to self discovery of strengths and weaknesses.
   • What happens in the brain? Providing time for explanation or time for quiet thinking allows the new experience “to be absorbed as new brain cells are created and neural pathways strengthened.³”  Reflection, making sense of the adventure, can have more impact on building resilience than the actual experience itself.³
   • We want an open, growth view of a child’s capabilities during self assessment. We don’t want fear of failure or risk avoidance. 
   • Use reflective thinking prompts:
     1. What went well? 
     2. What would you do differently next time?

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What could this look like in real life? 

Let’s imagine an example: You plan a Saturday morning adventure to your local state park. On a short hike, you point your child toward a log that has fallen across a creek and made a “cool bridge.” You keep a positive, upbeat tone and ask, “Do you want to cross it? I’ll be right here if you need me.” 

 Let’s consider the types of thinking that could be built through this adventure:

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Try this today: ways to challenge your children through adventure

• Know your Child.
  • Knowing your child is the best way to provide the right opportunities for them to try something new, with just the right level of challenge that will inspire and not overwhelm them. Daniel J. Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, co-authors of the book The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child, describe the importance of knowing when your child needs “pushin’ or cushion.⁷” The only way to know whether to push or back off is to have a great relational foundation with your child that includes security and safety.
  • As their parent, you are in the perfect position to know your child, how they learn, and how they operate. 

• Model it and say it.
  • Children see and follow. The best way to change your child’s behavior is to change your own. Let them see you persisting in goals even when you encounter an obstacle. Say it—verbalize your frustration at the obstacle and as you strategize another way to accomplish your goal, say your thoughts out loud to make these abstract ideas more tangible for your children. When you offer specific praise after they encounter a challenge, verbalize what you saw them do, emphasizing effort and strategy over success. 
    • A note—you don’t have to have a lecture or hours long session in which you bombard your child with questions and thoughts about how they “jumped off that rock so well.” Too many words can be counterproductive. But keep a watchful eye on them as they attempt a challenging feat and think about simple ways to reinforce these important types of thinking. It can even be better to say nothing, and let the personal reflection in their minds do the teaching. Often, the experience speaks for itself. 

• Don’t fear risk.
  • Appropriate risk is not the same thing as neglect or putting your child in harm’s way. It’s natural and necessary for survival to want to protect your child, but navigating challenges is how your child learns to endure and thrive. Get out there! Keep your eyes out for possible challenges and adventures. 

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Takeaway:

Adventures are a low cost and high impact way to change your child’s brain.

Children of all ages benefit from intentional, occasional deviations from routine. Adventures remove us from our “normal” comforts and help us to actively engage in new experiences. Exploring new environments, trying new skills, and navigating risks all have direct impacts on developing brains. In fact, our incredible brains can even re-wire and adapt in response to changing environments. 

By appropriately challenging your children beyond their comfort zones, you are building their ability to thrive despite changing circumstances. You are building up important brain skills (also known as cognitive skills) to help them navigate the stressful experiences they will undoubtedly encounter either in childhood, adolescence, or adulthood. 

Our children need to know and believe they can do hard things–and they learn their own capacity to do hard things by…successfully doing hard things! 

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References

1. The Dueling Needs for Safety and Adventure 

2. Resilience Guide for Parents and Teachers

3. Brain resilience: Shedding light into the black box of adventure processes

4. Nature Preschools and Forest Kindergartens: The Handbook for Outdoor Learning

5. Self Efficacy: Helping Children Believe They Can Succeed

6. Resilience

7. The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child